It took a lot of compromise, a lot of understanding and patience to make it work. There were still more fights. Still more secrets. I still felt like a failure. All the "I love you"s didn't mean a thing to either of us. It took another major drug relapse for things to change between us.
We had been together just over three years. My ex-husband had passed away and we now had my teenage daughter living with us, which caused even more stress. I had been debating on walking away. No amount of work and prayer were going to change this situation. He saw the rolling down hill of our relationship as well. But we kept trying. Just a few nights before he left, we were at bible study and somehow got on the topic of relationships and other things. My husband had admitted in front of everyone that he was a recovering drug addict, but with all the damage that was done to our relationship, he wouldn't risk ruining everything by going back to drugs and drinking. He promised.
I came home from work that Friday evening to an empty house. No husband, no daughter. Just my cat and my dog. I began getting that awful feeling in the pit of my stomach. I'd been down this road before. But I chose to think that maybe he was just out drinking with his buddy. Which just served to make me angry. I sat looking at the clock. The hours passed by. Still nothing. My daughter called and told me she was spending the night at a friends' house, but if I wanted, she would come home. I told her that it wasn't necessary. I didn't want her to be witness to yet another drunken argument.
The next day I started calling around. I tried everyone I could think of. I posted stuff on facebook, hoping that someone knew something. One of my sons' came down to stay with me. My step-daughter came to spend some time with me. We had a full house and yet I was a miserable wreck. My neighbor across the hall came over to listen to me cry and offer some motherly advice. She'd been down this same road with her ex-husband so she knew what I was going through all too well.
By the time I went back to work, I was an emotional wreck. I couldn't concentrate. It took all my energy just to make it through. I had vowed that when I got home I was going to the police station to file a missing persons' report. I knew he was out on a drug binge. But I started to become really scared. What about his asthma? What about his high blood pressure? What if he were dead somewhere from an overdose? My mind went into a whirlwind of negativity.
About mid-way during my day, he had messaged me on facebook. He was home. I was frantic! I wanted to leave right then. But I couldn't. I had written him a letter and left it on the coffee table in hopes he would finally come home and read it. I poured out my soul. When he messaged me, I asked him to please read the letter and to not move. I would be home in a few hours.
When I got home, I dropped everything in front of the door and just threw my arms around him. We were both in tears. I was so afraid. I was so disappointed. I don't remember much from that night. I know at some point my daughter came home. I remember one of her pastors' coming over because they felt she was in danger. He talked a few minutes with my husband, and then left. I don't remember if my daughter went with him or not.
I told my husband that the only way I would let him stay is if he went to drug rehab. I promised I would support him every step of the way. The next day we went down to outpatient rehab center together. As I sat listening as the counsellor interviewed him, I got shaky and that fear went right into the pit of my stomach. I didn't want to hear what he had done. I didn't want to know. But it was important that I did so I could understand the extent of his addiction and what triggered this latest relapse. We went through the whole process together. Even my husbands' father was extremely supportive. And I believe that between prayer, support from family and friends, and a lot of deal making with God turned it all around.
Today, my husband has been clean for 14 months. He no longer drinks to get drunk. My trust still isn't all there, but he makes sure to reassure me whenever I run into panic mode. He understands. I think it took that horror to reaffirm our relationship. I knew that I loved him with all my being. I knew I still wanted to spend my life with him. He worked hard to change. He's still working hard to change. But we're in a better place now. Things are still tough. Money is tight. Now we have two of my children living with us and we are grandparents. My husband loves being a grandpa. We love spending time together and with the whole family.
The point to this story is this.... no relationship is perfect. It takes a lot of work to overcome what seems like insurmountable obstacles. It takes love and commitment. It also takes change. It's not good enough if it's one person changing while the other one doesn't. AND... you need to leave it with God. He comforts the sorrows and hurts. He restores hope and love. He guides and supports.
When I set out writing this I was going to talk about our differences in habits, home life, etc. How the little things drove us up a wall. About all the petty arguments and disagreements. The whole shebang. But God stepped in and told me to write about this..a painful memory that brought about growth and change and love.
Our relationship with God is much like this. We can run. We can forget. We can turn our backs. But God is right there, waiting for us to come back to Him. He waits patiently like I waited for my husband to come home. He helped us mend and heal and grow.
When we become new believers, we have to change our old ways. As my husband likes to say "If you keep doing what you're doing, you'll keep get what you get" In other words, if we keep living in the past, if we keep doing the same things, we're still going to get the same result. A life away from Christ. An emptiness that we seek to fill with damaged relationships, drugs, alcohol. You have to be willing to change. You have to allow God to lead you into this new life. As we do this, we'll see a change. A better, more fulfilling life. A path to the future. Hope.
We are reminded of this change in our lives and ways in 2 Corinthians 5:17: "This means that anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The old life is gone; a new life has begun!" (nlt). We've changed. We're not our old self with the same old ways that just got us further and further from God. He has given us a new beginning. He gives us a clean slate in which to write our new history. It doesn't mean we've forgotten the lessons we learned as our old selves. We use those lessons on which to build our new selves.
If any of you are on this path to destruction, I urge you to seek help. Seek change. Seek hope. It's not an easy process. You have to be WILLING to want to change or else it will never work. And families, if you have this kind of person in your lives, I can tell you that they will need all the support and love from all of you to get it together. Don't keep reminding them of the wrong they did. Encourage them in this path. As painful as it can be, it will be worth it. And they will succeed and thrive.
I pray for all of you.
God Bless.
Linda.
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