A New Creation

When my husband and I got together, we had to get used to each others' ways of doing things. We were both in our 40's with baggage from previous marriage and relationships. I had one way of doing things, and it seemed like the way I did things just didn't gel to his ways. As my husband explained to me, he was "set in his ways". This caused no end of friction and arguments in the beginning. It made me feel like a failure because it hit a nerve with me. I had come from one failed marriage and failed relationships. I had scars from verbal and psychological abuse. My husband was a "druggie" who also liked to drink....A LOT (however, I didn't find this out until AFTER we had had an argument and he disappeared for a few days with what little money we had in the bank). So, more stress was added to the relationship. But we knew we loved each other, so we'd get through this together. It wasn't easy. There were relapses and drunken nights. There were fights and secrets. This was not going to be an easy road, I thought to myself.

It took a lot of compromise, a lot of understanding and patience to make it work. There were still more fights. Still more secrets. I still felt like a failure. All the "I love you"s didn't mean a thing to either of us. It took another major drug relapse for things to change between us.

We had been together just over three years. My ex-husband had passed away and we now had my teenage daughter living with us, which caused even more stress. I had been debating on walking away. No amount of work and prayer were going to change this situation. He saw the rolling down hill of our relationship as well. But we kept trying. Just a few nights before he left, we were at bible study and somehow got on the topic of relationships and other things. My husband had admitted in front of everyone that he was a recovering drug addict, but with all the damage that was done to our relationship, he wouldn't risk ruining everything by going back to drugs and drinking. He promised.

I came home from work that Friday evening to an empty house. No husband, no daughter. Just my cat and my dog. I began getting that awful feeling in the pit of my stomach. I'd been down this road before. But I chose to think that maybe he was just out drinking with his buddy. Which just served to make me angry. I sat looking at the clock. The hours passed by. Still nothing. My daughter called and told me she was spending the night at a friends' house, but if I wanted, she would come home. I told her that it wasn't necessary. I didn't want her to be witness to yet another drunken argument.

The next day I started calling around. I tried everyone I could think of. I posted stuff on facebook, hoping that someone knew something. One of my sons' came down to stay with me. My step-daughter came to spend some time with me. We had a full house and yet I was a miserable wreck. My neighbor across the hall came over to listen to me cry and offer some motherly advice. She'd been down this same road with her ex-husband so she knew what I was going through all too well.

By the time I went back to work, I was an emotional wreck. I couldn't concentrate. It took all my energy just to make it through. I had vowed that when I got home I was going to the police station to file a missing persons' report. I knew he was out on a drug binge. But I started to become really scared. What about his asthma? What about his high blood pressure? What if he were dead somewhere from an overdose? My mind went into a whirlwind of negativity.

About mid-way during my day, he had messaged me on facebook. He was home. I was frantic! I wanted to leave right then. But I couldn't. I had written him a letter and left it on the coffee table in hopes he would finally come home and read it. I poured out my soul. When he messaged me, I asked him to please read the letter and to not move. I would be home in a few hours.

When I got home, I dropped everything in front of the door and just threw my arms around him. We were both in tears. I was so afraid. I was so disappointed. I don't remember much from that night. I know at some point my daughter came home. I remember one of her pastors' coming over because they felt she was in danger. He talked a few minutes with my husband, and then left. I don't remember if my daughter went with him or not.

I told my husband that the only way I would let him stay is if he went to drug rehab. I promised I would support him every step of the way. The next day we went down to outpatient rehab center together. As I sat listening as the counsellor interviewed him, I got shaky and that fear went right into the pit of my stomach. I didn't want to hear what he had done. I didn't want to know. But it was important that I did so I could understand the extent of his addiction and what triggered this latest relapse. We went through the whole process together. Even my husbands' father was extremely supportive. And I believe that between prayer, support from family and friends, and a lot of deal making with God turned it all around.

Today, my husband has been clean for 14 months. He no longer drinks to get drunk. My trust still isn't all there, but he makes sure to reassure me whenever I run into panic mode. He understands. I think it took that horror to reaffirm our relationship. I knew that I loved him with all my being. I knew I still wanted to spend my life with him. He worked hard to change. He's still working hard to change. But we're in a better place now. Things are still tough. Money is tight. Now we have two of my children living with us and we are grandparents. My husband loves being a grandpa. We love spending time together and with  the whole family.

The point to this story is this.... no relationship is perfect. It takes a lot of work to overcome what seems like insurmountable obstacles. It takes love and commitment. It also takes change. It's not good enough if it's one person changing while the other one doesn't. AND... you need to leave it with God. He comforts the sorrows and hurts. He restores hope and love. He guides and supports.

When I set out writing this I was going to talk about our differences in habits, home life, etc. How the little things drove us up a wall. About all the petty arguments and disagreements. The whole shebang. But God stepped in and told me to write about this..a painful memory that brought about growth and change and love.

Our relationship with God is much like this. We can run. We can forget. We can turn our backs. But God is right there, waiting for us to come back to Him. He waits patiently like I waited for my husband to come home. He helped us mend and heal and grow.

When we become new believers, we have to change our old ways. As my husband likes to say "If you keep doing what you're doing, you'll keep get what you get" In other words, if we keep living in the past, if we keep doing the same things, we're still going to get the same result. A life away from Christ. An emptiness that we seek to fill with damaged relationships, drugs, alcohol. You have to be willing to change. You have to allow God to lead you into this new life. As we do this, we'll see a change. A better, more fulfilling life. A path to the future. Hope.

We are reminded of this change in our lives and ways in 2 Corinthians 5:17: "This means that anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The old life is gone; a new life has begun!" (nlt). We've changed. We're not our old self with the same old ways that just got us further and further from God. He has given us a new beginning. He gives us a clean slate in which to write our new history. It doesn't mean we've forgotten the lessons we learned as our old selves. We use those lessons on which to build our new selves.

If any of you are on this path to destruction, I urge you to seek help. Seek change. Seek hope. It's not an easy process. You have to be WILLING to want to change or else it will never work. And families, if you have this kind of person in your lives, I can tell you that they will need all the support and love from all of you to get it together. Don't keep reminding them of the wrong they did. Encourage them in this path. As painful as it can be, it will be worth it. And they will succeed and thrive. 

I pray for all of you. 
God Bless.
Linda.

Submission God's Way

I swear, sometimes God's timing comes at the worst times. As I'm driving home, I get a sort of revelation. And this always happens. When I don't have the time to write about it. Well, I'm going to make the time because this is important. And God is prompting me to tell the WHOLE story. Not just pieces.

Let me give you some background so you can better understand where I am coming from. Many years ago, before I met my husband, I was involved with a gentleman who introduced me to a whole different lifestyle. One of Dominance and submission. I was learning about becoming a submissive and all it entailed. At that time, I felt like I had found a part of me that was missing. I am a natural born people-pleaser. I want people to like me. I want to always help. When I was a stay-at-home mom, I was pretty happy. I was doing the "mom thing" and taking care of everything. I wanted my home to be like Martha Stewart! 

So this was not a huge stretch for me. The only drawback was that he lived in New Jersey and I lived in upstate NY. He wouldn't travel to come see me. And I couldn't go down there. (I was married to my first husband at the time and neither of us were faithful to the other at that point. Yes, I know that 2 wrongs don't make a right. By that time our marriage had completely broken down.)

It takes A LOT of discipline to do something like that. We made it work for over two years through text messages and phone calls. At that point in my life, it worked for me and it worked for him. You don't have someone watching you, making sure you're doing everything you are asked to do. You are being held on your honor that you are doing what you are supposed to, that you are living within the rules that your master has set about for you. I thrived with that kind of relationship. I didn't have to think, plan, manage. Nothing. Just to obey and be good. (And if you know me, you know that for me that could be difficult at times!!)

How I had longed to be like the others who were "owned", those who were "slaves" with loving masters. I wanted to work hard so I would earn my "collar". When it all fell apart, so did I. There went my dream of being an owned and collared slave. 

However, after I met my second husband I had to choose...him or the lifestyle. How do you give up part of yourself? But here was this man who was REAL. He was with me night and day. He loved me. Obviously, in the end, I chose my husband. Looking back on that relationship, I believe that God used it as a lesson.

I asked my husband to at least TRY to learn to be a Dominant. He had the personality of one. He had all the traits I was looking for in a new master. So we tried a few times with Dominant/submissive thing, but it always ended in disaster. It ended with me being unhappy and feeling taken advantage of. What were we doing wrong?

We weren't doing anything wrong, it's just not what God had intended. At least not in that form. The bible clearly states that the woman is to be submissive to her husband. (Ephesians 5:22; Colossians 3:18; 1 Peter 3:1-22; and many others.) Aha! There was the answer! It only took me 3 long years of trial and error, of failing miserably, to finally understand what it was that God intended for me to do.

He indeed wanted me to be submissive. But to my husband. In the biblical sense. Oh boy. After all the things my husband and I had been through, I would have to trust him enough to lead me. And trust in the fact that he was being led by God. I'm not big on trust. I've been burned too many times before. It takes a HUGE leap of faith (yes, faith!) to trust someone. When we believe in God, in Jesus and the Holy Spirit, are we not called to trust? It is called faith for a reason. But it's easy to trust God. Not so with people.

Ok, so we're not quite there yet. We are still a work in progress. But it's God's work. He is slowly changing both of us to be His. And that is what's so amazing. Here I was wanting to be owned and loved and wanted and I didn't even realize that I already was all of that and more!

I am owned and loved by the Supreme Master. The Utmost Sir. Jesus Christ. I have been bought and paid for through the blood of Jesus. When He hung on that cross, all had been forgiven. He paid the ultimate price for me. Wow. What a revelation!

My husband and I are in different seasons of our walk of faith. And that's ok. The bible also says that the wife will lead by example. "Wives, in the same way submit yourselves to your own husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives." (1 Peter 3:1) 

I still have my rules that I must follow. They're in this big book that I take with me. It's called The Bible. There I can find any answer, any rule, any guidance that I may need. With Jesus as my Master, I can't go wrong. He won't lead me into where I don't belong.

Yeah..where I don't belong... Satan tried that on me. He made sure he poked me and prodded me. "See what you are missing?" "See..this is what you wanted..." "You can't be happy unless you have this life." He spent the whole weekend doing that. 

Ohhh.... I am so mad! I'm mad at myself for falling into that trap. The devil always will attack at our weakest points. I've been so stressed out about all our problems that I LET myself be dragged into those thoughts. Going to work today, it got me away from those thoughts. I got back into the swing of things. I did all my devotionals, I read, I prayed. And Jesus rewarded me with this revelation. "See, My child, I have given you all you wanted and more. There are so many other ways to serve. But first you need to learn to serve Me." I can not be submissive to my husband without first submitting to Christ. He will lead me and train me to serve Him. Only then will He permit me to learn to serve my husband. 

And with that, my husband is calling...dinner is done. (He likes to do all the cooking.) So, my friends, I will leave you with this. A little slice of who I once was and who I am becoming. 

Much Love & God Bless.

Good Morning Girls Devotional Week 3 "Why Easter Matters"

This is our reading for Wednesday, 4/16/14.

Romans 6:8-14 (TLB)
And since your old sin-loving nature “died” with Christ, we know that you will share his new life. Christ rose from the dead and will never die again. Death no longer has any power over him. He died once for all to end sin’s power, but now he lives forever in unbroken fellowship with God. So look upon your old sin nature as dead and unresponsive to sin, and instead be alive to God, alert to him, through Jesus Christ our Lord.
 
Do not let sin control your puny body any longer; do not give in to its sinful desires. Do not let any part of your bodies become tools of wickedness, to be used for sinning; but give yourselves completely to God—every part of you—for you are back from death and you want to be tools in the hands of God, to be used for his good purposes. Sin need never again be your master, for now you are no longer tied to the law where sin enslaves you, but you are free under God’s favor and mercy.

S: Romans 6:8,14 
And since your old sin-loving nature “died” with Christ, we know that you will share his new life. Sin need never again be your master, for now you are no longer tied to the law where sin enslaves you, but you are free under God’s favor and mercy.

O: When we give our lives over to God, we are no longer who were once were. We are now children of Christ. We live by His rules now. When Christ died, our sins died with Him. And like the flowers that bloom in springtime, we bloom in the glory of God's love. We are spring! We are new! 

A: I need to remember that I'm not the person I was in my past. But I also need to remember that God is still working on me. As a friend said to me once, we go from grace to grace. We move one day at a time. I need to remember that each day is a new day and a chance to start again. I gave myself to Christ. My words and actions need to reflect that. And when I do things that don't exactly line up with Jesus, then I ask forgiveness and try to get back onto the right path.

P: Lord Jesus, I am not perfect. I am far from it. But in Your eyes, I am perfect. Perfectly made just the way You had in mind. I may stumble and fall, but You're always right there to pick me up and let me start over. Let my actions and my words become a reflection of my love for You. In Your Name I pray. Amen