This is a place for others to come together.It is non-judgemental, so please, if you can't say anything nice, then please don't say anything.
★´*。¨*. ☽¨¯★´*。.☆¨*★
Good Eventide to you all! I hope you are all keeping warm. It is snowing and frightfully cold here. I have taken Sir dog out and am now settled in with a nice cuppa. The choice for today is a mix of Pumpkin Spice and Ginger...with a little splash of something to warm me bones. There is nothing quite like tea in a pretty cup, I say! I believe I will try and make this a habit. After all, it is 4:30pm... which translates into tea time. Unfortunately I do not have any scones or biscuits to have with my tea. Perhaps tomorrow. We are 10 days away from Christmas. For most it is a festive time. All the wonderful decorations, visits with friends and family, and much more. But then, there are others, who are alone this time of year. It can be a terrible time. For them, it is looking at what they don't have, be it family or even a warm place to live. For others, it means painful memories of a time long passed. And still others, who fight addictions and mental illness. This time of year can be a real trigger. Add to that the cold weather, the snow, days of shorter sunshine and much more gloom. Holiday time has one of the highest rates of suicide and violence. I am the afore mentioned.. one who suffers from depression. Holidays have never been a favorite of mine. In a previous life, it meant stress and arguments and loneliness. In this life it means going without...without money, without friends and without family. The mister and I will not be participating in Christmas this year. However, for those of faith, particularly that of the Christian one, it is a time of joyous anticipation! The long journey of Joseph and Mary back to the village of Bethlehem as they await the birth of what will be our Savior. But, so many people seem to look past that. It's not about the gifts, the decorations, the parties.... it's about an anticipation of the future. My all time favorite story has always been Linus' soliloquy of the story of the "true" meaning of Christmas...... As you go about your shopping, your celebrating, your decorating, keep in mind those who are without. Perhaps say a little prayer. Or make a special ornament for your tree. Donate or volunteer your time at a homeless shelter or soup kitchen. Throw your pennies in the kettle for the Salvation Army. Light a candle at church. Whatever it is you choose to do, remember how blessed you are for all the things you have. And remember the reason WHY we celebrate Christmas.....
Some links for donation sites:
**for some reason they don't show up as active. However, if you copy and paste, you will be taken right to the site.
There comes a time or many times in our lives when we wonder where God is. We pray, we fast, we meditate. We go to church. We ask others to pray for us. And still..... God is silent. That's where I'm at. We are dealing with so many problems that are all overwhelming. I know God will provide. He already showed me that. But it's hard to keep trusting day in and day out that He will come through when there's no where left to go. But, there is beauty in hitting rock bottom. It is at that point that we can only go up. And we need to look up.
Remember the story of Thomas when Jesus appeared to him after the Crucifixion? Thomas had a hard time believing that this was, indeed, Jesus standing in front of him. How could that be? Jesus died on a cross. They all saw it. Jesus did not scold Thomas. He did not walk away. He said to simply touch His wounds. "He [Jesus] said to Thomas 'Put your finger here; see my hands. Reach out your hand and put it into my side. Stop doubting and believe"..... Then Jesus told him [Thomas] "Because you have seen me, you have believed, blessed are those who have not seen and yet believed." (John 20: 27, 29. NIV) That's where our saying comes from "doubting Thomas" Sometimes we don't see don't Jesus. We don't hear Jesus. We need to see living proof that He's at work in our lives. The thing about that is that we may not see the answer or hear the answer in the time we want. After all, NOW is when we need it the most. Situations are dire. There seems to be no way out. As frustrating as that is, Jesus is teaching us a lesson in patience. Remember "good things come to those who wait." The apostles waited. And waited. They began to wonder if Jesus really was coming back. I mean, how could that be? They all saw Him die on that cross.
If we look back to John 14, we see that Jesus left them with a rather puzzling statement "You heard me say 'I am going away and I am coming back to you....'" (John 14:28. NIV). If that were us in this day and age, we would be standing there scratching our heads trying to make sense of that. Is Jesus leaving on some mission trip? Is He going to another town? Where's He going? Well at least He's coming back. It's kind of like when babies learn. If they drop something it's gone. But wait, mom gives it back. Drop again. Again mom gives it back. So, if I drop something it's not gone forever. Someone will give it back. We've all played that game. It's rather amusing to see the perplexed look on the child's face after they drop the item and then mom shows it to her. This is the same point that Jesus was trying to make. He KNEW He was to die on that cross. But he gave reassurance to the apostles that He would come back. However, He didn't give them a time frame. How long will He be gone? When will He come back? Is He really coming back?
And this brings us back to our problems today. How do we know Jesus is going to answer us? We sort of get our answer back in the Old Testament. God reassures us "before you call I will answer; while you are still speaking, I will hear." (Isaiah 65:24. NIV). Umm... ok. So then why do we need to pray? We do we need to beseech our heavenly Father and ask for help if He knows what we need before we speak? It seems the bible is filled with these riddles. None of it ever seems to make any sense.
Alas, dear reader, we are assured that Jesus is going to intervene. Yes, He knows what you need, but He waits to hear it from you. It is at that point that you have decided to stop trying to do it yourself. Try asking for some help. But, He doesn't answer right away. He wants to be sure that the answer you seek is really what you want or what you need. We all want something. But is that something needed? You need a place to live, but you want that beautiful 3 bedroom, 2 bath craftsman style home you saw on tv. However, God may present you with an opportunity for a smaller house in a different neighborhood. Maybe a "fixer-upper". It's not what you wanted, but hey, it's a roof over your head. Do you see where I am going with this my dear readers? Keep praying. Keep waiting. It will happen. And when it does, you will see the fingerprints of God all over it.
Be Blessed Today.
Scripture verse: "For I know the plans I have for you" declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." (Jeremiah 29:11. NIV)
This will be brief because I'm on my lunch at work. As I was reading my book, this whole thought jumped out at me. It
has been a recurrent theme of my blog posts. And maybe there is a reason
for that. It reminds me of how I am having such a bad day, but consider Jesus' worst day...the day He died on the Cross. Talk about really bad days!
It's funny, because my devotional this morning was on this same
topic. And the words I wrote to go with it is somewhat similar to what I
am writing here: "We have all had times when we have felt alone despite all busyness in
our lives and the people in our lives. It's often hard to remember that
Jesus is always with us. I'm just as guilty as the rest of us for not
remembering this. We need to find ways to remember this in the times of
our darkness. We can lift each other up in times of despair &
loneliness." (I will post the link to the devotional at the end of this post.) As Jesus slowly died on the Cross, He cried out to God, His Father "My God, My God, why have You forsaken Me". Wow... Jesus, the perfect image of peace and love. The One who says that He will be with us always. And here He is wondering where God is in all this. Jesus KNEW He would die on the cross. He knew who would betray Him. He knew the reason for His crucifixion and death, so that we may have new life. And yet, knowing all this, at the last hour He wondered why He had to go through this. Why doesn't His father hear Him? Can you just imagine how alone He must have felt at that moment? It is the same thing in our own lives. Where is God when we need Him? Why doesn't He answer our prayers? Why is there so much pain and suffering in this world? Isn't that the reason WHY Jesus died for us? It's so hard to not feel alone in the middle of our anguish. When we're in the midst of chaos, it's hard to remember that Jesus is right there with us.God uses us in a myriad of ways. I also believe that God uses
women to raise others up and encourage them so that they can then past
that encouragement on to others. Women are born nurturers. So who better
to inspire and encourage others than a woman?
That's why
us women need to stick together. For support and encouragement. For
someone to remind us that indeed Jesus is watching out for us. He's
helping us by making us reliant on Him. When we are broken down is the
time when we need to really reach out to God to get us through. I think
it is a reminder that God has not forsaken us. God Bless. Linda Here is the link to my devotional this morning: http://odb.org/2015/06/04/my-father-is-with-me/
When my husband and I got together, we had to get used to each others' ways of doing things. We were both in our 40's with baggage from previous marriage and relationships. I had one way of doing things, and it seemed like the way I did things just didn't gel to his ways. As my husband explained to me, he was "set in his ways". This caused no end of friction and arguments in the beginning. It made me feel like a failure because it hit a nerve with me. I had come from one failed marriage and failed relationships. I had scars from verbal and psychological abuse. My husband was a "druggie" who also liked to drink....A LOT (however, I didn't find this out until AFTER we had had an argument and he disappeared for a few days with what little money we had in the bank). So, more stress was added to the relationship. But we knew we loved each other, so we'd get through this together. It wasn't easy. There were relapses and drunken nights. There were fights and secrets. This was not going to be an easy road, I thought to myself.
It took a lot of compromise, a lot of understanding and patience to make it work. There were still more fights. Still more secrets. I still felt like a failure. All the "I love you"s didn't mean a thing to either of us. It took another major drug relapse for things to change between us.
We had been together just over three years. My ex-husband had passed away and we now had my teenage daughter living with us, which caused even more stress. I had been debating on walking away. No amount of work and prayer were going to change this situation. He saw the rolling down hill of our relationship as well. But we kept trying. Just a few nights before he left, we were at bible study and somehow got on the topic of relationships and other things. My husband had admitted in front of everyone that he was a recovering drug addict, but with all the damage that was done to our relationship, he wouldn't risk ruining everything by going back to drugs and drinking. He promised.
I came home from work that Friday evening to an empty house. No husband, no daughter. Just my cat and my dog. I began getting that awful feeling in the pit of my stomach. I'd been down this road before. But I chose to think that maybe he was just out drinking with his buddy. Which just served to make me angry. I sat looking at the clock. The hours passed by. Still nothing. My daughter called and told me she was spending the night at a friends' house, but if I wanted, she would come home. I told her that it wasn't necessary. I didn't want her to be witness to yet another drunken argument.
The next day I started calling around. I tried everyone I could think of. I posted stuff on facebook, hoping that someone knew something. One of my sons' came down to stay with me. My step-daughter came to spend some time with me. We had a full house and yet I was a miserable wreck. My neighbor across the hall came over to listen to me cry and offer some motherly advice. She'd been down this same road with her ex-husband so she knew what I was going through all too well.
By the time I went back to work, I was an emotional wreck. I couldn't concentrate. It took all my energy just to make it through. I had vowed that when I got home I was going to the police station to file a missing persons' report. I knew he was out on a drug binge. But I started to become really scared. What about his asthma? What about his high blood pressure? What if he were dead somewhere from an overdose? My mind went into a whirlwind of negativity.
About mid-way during my day, he had messaged me on facebook. He was home. I was frantic! I wanted to leave right then. But I couldn't. I had written him a letter and left it on the coffee table in hopes he would finally come home and read it. I poured out my soul. When he messaged me, I asked him to please read the letter and to not move. I would be home in a few hours.
When I got home, I dropped everything in front of the door and just threw my arms around him. We were both in tears. I was so afraid. I was so disappointed. I don't remember much from that night. I know at some point my daughter came home. I remember one of her pastors' coming over because they felt she was in danger. He talked a few minutes with my husband, and then left. I don't remember if my daughter went with him or not.
I told my husband that the only way I would let him stay is if he went to drug rehab. I promised I would support him every step of the way. The next day we went down to outpatient rehab center together. As I sat listening as the counsellor interviewed him, I got shaky and that fear went right into the pit of my stomach. I didn't want to hear what he had done. I didn't want to know. But it was important that I did so I could understand the extent of his addiction and what triggered this latest relapse. We went through the whole process together. Even my husbands' father was extremely supportive. And I believe that between prayer, support from family and friends, and a lot of deal making with God turned it all around.
Today, my husband has been clean for 14 months. He no longer drinks to get drunk. My trust still isn't all there, but he makes sure to reassure me whenever I run into panic mode. He understands. I think it took that horror to reaffirm our relationship. I knew that I loved him with all my being. I knew I still wanted to spend my life with him. He worked hard to change. He's still working hard to change. But we're in a better place now. Things are still tough. Money is tight. Now we have two of my children living with us and we are grandparents. My husband loves being a grandpa. We love spending time together and with the whole family.
The point to this story is this.... no relationship is perfect. It takes a lot of work to overcome what seems like insurmountable obstacles. It takes love and commitment. It also takes change. It's not good enough if it's one person changing while the other one doesn't. AND... you need to leave it with God. He comforts the sorrows and hurts. He restores hope and love. He guides and supports.
When I set out writing this I was going to talk about our differences in habits, home life, etc. How the little things drove us up a wall. About all the petty arguments and disagreements. The whole shebang. But God stepped in and told me to write about this..a painful memory that brought about growth and change and love.
Our relationship with God is much like this. We can run. We can forget. We can turn our backs. But God is right there, waiting for us to come back to Him. He waits patiently like I waited for my husband to come home. He helped us mend and heal and grow.
When we become new believers, we have to change our old ways. As my husband likes to say "If you keep doing what you're doing, you'll keep get what you get" In other words, if we keep living in the past, if we keep doing the same things, we're still going to get the same result. A life away from Christ. An emptiness that we seek to fill with damaged relationships, drugs, alcohol. You have to be willing to change. You have to allow God to lead you into this new life. As we do this, we'll see a change. A better, more fulfilling life. A path to the future. Hope.
We are reminded of this change in our lives and ways in 2 Corinthians 5:17: "This means that anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The old life is gone; a new life has begun!" (nlt). We've changed. We're not our old self with the same old ways that just got us further and further from God. He has given us a new beginning. He gives us a clean slate in which to write our new history. It doesn't mean we've forgotten the lessons we learned as our old selves. We use those lessons on which to build our new selves. If any of you are on this path to destruction, I urge you to seek help. Seek change. Seek hope. It's not an easy process. You have to be WILLING to want to change or else it will never work. And families, if you have this kind of person in your lives, I can tell you that they will need all the support and love from all of you to get it together. Don't keep reminding them of the wrong they did. Encourage them in this path. As painful as it can be, it will be worth it. And they will succeed and thrive. I pray for all of you. God Bless. Linda.
Think of how many people we converse with each and every day. Whether it's saying have a good day to our loved ones as they embark on their day, a casual conversation with that sweet old lady at the supermarket, or the constant conversation we have with ourselves in our head. There are constant voices going on. Have you ever really stopped to think about what you're saying? Does your mood dictate how you respond to others? I know for me, my mood can definitely be an influence. However, since I work with people all day long, there are times when I have been forced to put a smile on my face and try to be as cordial as possible, even if I'm having a bad day. Sometimes that mood will spill over into home. As my husband reminds me, leave it at work. Don't be someone I dread coming home to. Out of curiosity, I Googled "Bible Verses about Speaking". I found one site that listed 45 of them (http://dailyverses.net/speaking)!! If there is that many (and probably countless more that I could find) then it must be a pretty important topic in the bible! The only thing they DON'T tell you is how to make sure that everything we say to everyone is encouraging and uplifting. There are days I'd like to just tell some people to take a flying leap. My point is that once something comes out of your mouth, you can't take it back. Remember when we were kids and we'd say "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me"? How untrue that is. Words are some of the most powerful things we have, so take a moment before you say something. Think about it.
Here's a verse to reflect on: "Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart Be acceptable in Your sight, O LORD, my rock and my Redeemer" (Psalm 19:14, ESV)
Here is a powerful song that tells of the power of the words we speak. It is "Words" by Hawk Nelson.
How many times have we just got done dusting something when the kiddos come along and leave their sticky fingerprints on things!!?? You just roll your eyes and try to wipe it clean yet again.
How many crimes have been solved, or at least a suspect determined by a single fingerprint?
We can all be singly identified with our own unique fingerprint. No 2 are alike. These intricate little whirls and swirls tell who we are. It's amazing really.
Well, when God answers a prayer, you can usually tell because you see His fingerprints all over it. Aha!! It was God who did it!! lol
It's so easy to praise and say thank You when He answers our prayers. It's so easy to sing Hallelujah and Amen when times are good and everything is going right. But what about those tough times? The times when you think God isn't listening? When you've exhausted every prayer and every praise? It is within those sticky messes that we need to keep praying. 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 says "Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in ALL circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you." (Emphasis added by me.)
It says REJOICE ALWAYS. Not rejoice when things are good. Not rejoice because you have everything you need. You are to rejoice ALWAYS, REGARDLESS of your circumstances. You should give thanks in ALL circumstances, not just the good stuff.
Pray without ceasing... some very important direction in there. It doesn't say to pray when you get around to it. Or pray when you have a free moment. It doesn't say to pray once in a while. It says "Pray WITHOUT ceasing." Lately I have been reading "The Power of Simple Prayer" by Joyce Meyer. I'm learning a lot about prayer. Sometimes you have all you can do to just utter a single sentiment. If so, let that sentiment be "God help me." God doesn't require a lengthy, wordy prayer. He knows what's in your heart. He knows what you need before you pray about it. But, He does require that we do ask. He'll hear you. I promise. If you keep the will of what God wants in your prayers, trust me, things will happen. "If it is Your will, Father" is a good way to start. But, I found "God help us" is a goodie too. Straight, simple and to the point. I found that out tonight when we ran into problems with our car. My husband was under the car with a faulty jack and rain coming down trying to figure out where this and that goes so the car would start again. It was a simple fix, really. Just plug the thing back in. But with no flashlight it is difficult. As I stood under the tree trying to stay dry I had a little conversation with the Lord. I told Him that as much as I love the rain, we could really do without it at the moment. I told Him what we needed was a light from heaven (and I didn't mean lightning!). Not long after someone had come out of one of the shops with a flashlight for my husband to keep. I kept repeating the words "faith and patience. Faith and patience." (As my husbands' patience was wearing thin.) As I uttered those words, the words turned into words only understood by God. I closed my eyes and just kept repeating as the Holy Spirit filled me. It was then that the rain stopped. And then my husband found the place that the part needed to be plugged in to and voila! The car started. I once again looked skyward and said Thank You Jesus! My husband, who I will call (or my daughter calls him) a "lukewarm Christian". He goes to church with us, he helps out with projects around the church and so forth. But it's hard to convince him that God has a hand in things. So, as he crawled out from under the car, he looks at me and says "Who's the man!?!?" I smiled and pointed heavenward. My husband just looked at me "But I got the car started." Yes, he may have been the one UNDER the car but God was ABOVE the car helping in His own way. He had left His fingerprints all over this one. There was no denying it.
I see God's fingerprints on more than just that. Money is super-tight in our house. I have recently had my 27 yr old son move back home with us. I still have my 18 yr old daughter living at home. My husband has been out of work for a year and my job is on salary so it doesn't matter how many hours I work. I still come home with the same thing. It's really hard to make things last 2 weeks (I get paid biweekly.) But, God has provided. My husband has a temporary job with a text book supply warehouse. We get money when we least expect it and need it the most. We may not have everything we want, but we have everything we need. God has seen to it that we are always provided for.
Matthew 6:25,27 tells us that we should not worry. "Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than the clothes?...Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?"
I changed my prayers from "God I hope You will help" to "God I KNOW You will help" and help He has. We have money for food when we need it, money for gas to get us to work and back and I have my medications every month. Life may be hard. It can be downright impossible at times. But I know that as long as I keep my faith and keep praying that God will hear me.
I still worry. I still fret. I'm human. I know some will say that by worrying it means you are not putting your whole trust in God. That may be, but I know that God will still hear my prayers. He knows what I need. I KNOW He will provide.
Think about the circumstances in your own lives. Are there things that are blocking your path? Do the little things seem overwhelming? Ask Jesus to guide you through these. Reflect on those bible quotes. Do you have any "go-to" bible verses? I'd love it if you would share those. :)
"Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will
strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous
right hand." Isaiah 41:10
Tonight I write to you about something that I deal with every day. Mental Illness. I have bipolar disorder with anxiety and depression. I was diagnosed after the first time I was hospitalized for wanting to kill myself back in 2006. When I talked to the psychiatrist and told him what my plan was, he said that had I went through with it, I surely would have died. Since then it's been up and down like a roller coaster. I've felt like a guinea pig with all the medications I've tried.
Although the picture above may look funny, most of those feelings are what I deal with. Today was one of "those" days. I was fighting the anxiety battle all day. My mind was running, I was nauseous, I was sweating, and all I wanted to do was go home and hide under the covers where I'd be safe. But I got up, got dressed, and went to work. I still felt that way most of the day. M vcby irritable, grouchy and mean-spirited boss didn't help matters any. I prayed, A LOT. I tried to focus on my work. I was productive and was able to clear my desk.
Now I am home. I have eaten dinner. Played some Mah-Jong. I'm listening to some calming music. And still trying to focus. I am forcing myself to focus on just one thing at a time.
The kind of bipolar disorder I have I don't get
the manic highs. I feel "normal". I feel like I can accomplish anything.
I have more energy. I have a positive outlook. I feel "alive". But
those moods are rare. I haven't had an "up mood" in years. The
depression has a strangle hold on me. It has stolen so much of my life.
Life that I can't get back. And I know I'm missing out on life. I don't
know how to "fix" it. Medications can only do so much. The rest is up to
me and God.
People think that since you are a Christian you are happy all the time. After all, we let God handle our problems every day. We're in very capable hands! But we are human. Yes, I believe in God. If it weren't for my faith I'd have no hope left in my life. I try to pray through the anxiety. I try not to lose hope when the depression drags me so far down that I can't see the light of day. And I will admit, for a short time today I wished I weren't alive. That's how my brain responds to overwhelming anxiety. My fight-or-flight reflex is death. The only one sure way out. But I know that I would do more harm than good. My daughter lost her father and grandfather in the space of a year. My husband would be broken hearted without me. My mom would probably have another nervous breakdown. But, to my brain, the instinct to escape is through death. The ultimate avoidance of problems and stress that will not go away.
Mental health is such a misunderstood disease. Yes, it's a disease. It's not something we wish to have. No, we can't just "snap out of it" (ohhh how I HATE hearing that!!) and if we just ___________ we wouldn't feel so bad. (HUGE sigh and eye roll here.) I'm not weak-willed. I'm not "nuts", "crazy" or "mental" (Ohh yet another term I DESPISE!) I have a disease that is probably inherited (I'm adopted so my whole health history is one great big surprise after another). I have learned through trial and error that it's not a real good idea for me to not be on meds. It get suicidal. My husband found that out the hard way. But bless his soul, after three years of a roller coaster ride, we are still together. And he understands me a whole lot better now than he did then.
When I look back through the years, I see that my
anxiety took root at a very early age. I was always a "nervous" child.
As a teenager I was a little less "nervous". But I remember every
morning getting up for school and having my stomach in knots. I knew
whenever I had to do something out of my comfort zone it would make me
nervous. When my mother remarried I was 11. She moved to upstate NY with her new husband and left me with my grandparents in Connecticut. I remember that at one point, the whole tug of war thing really took a toll on my psyche. I remember our neighbor telling my grandparents that I'd wind up having a nervous breakdown if that all kept up. I didn't want to leave my grandparents.
I loved where I was. I had my best friend. The beach was just down the
street. And I was getting old enough where I could walk into town on my own. I liked my school. I didn't want to move. I didn't even know the guy. But, I also remember overhearing my grandparents saying how they already raised one kid, they didn't need another. That I was just a burden. Don't get me wrong, my grandparents loved me. It's just that they were getting on in years and didn't need to raise another child.
My last stint in an intensive outpatient program
was only beneficial to me while I was there. I didn't have the emotional
support at home to help me gain control. My first husband was
psychologically abusive and emotionally distant. He had no interest in
hearing about what I was learning and I really didn't have trust in him
to confide things. The first time I was hospitalized, part of my therapy
sessions was to have family there. The one time they tried to include
my husband, they had to make him leave because it was just upsetting me.
And it turns out he never told our kids where I was. He told them mommy
left. I was never able to convince them where I had been even though I
had the discharge papers, all the paperwork, etc. So it kind of made
sense when I went through the second round why I didn't want to confide
in him.
This last go-around when I started at the mental
health clinic, the month before I had tried to take a handful of pills
(sinus pills, but the ones that make you sleepy) but my husband stopped
me. So, when they did my intake they had suggested that perhaps I should
be an inpatient until I could become stable again. But I had just
started a new job and my husband was out of work. We needed the money.
And I didn't have insurance. I didn't need to rack up more bills. So, at
my first therapy session, my therapist made me sign a "safety
agreement". (It is an outline of things you can do if you feel suicidal.
You make a list of people you trust whom you can talk to. You think
about things that make you feel good and you enjoy doing. The number for
Crisis in put on there as well as contact information for the
therapist. It is quite a detailed plan.) I hung that on my fridge when I
got home so that I would see it every day. I think it was at that point
my husband really understood what I was dealing with. I wasn't just
some crazy b***h. I had a real problem that had to be managed.
My husband comes with me to some of my psych appointments. Sometimes he sees things going on with me that either I haven't paid attention to or have just not wanted to say anything. He dispenses and manages all my meds, so sometimes he will come with me to see my psych nurse practitioner. I may not really know if a medication is working, but he can see the difference in me when a medication is working and when it isn't.
Right now I take 40mg of Prozac in the morning. Since my mind races at night and it's hard for me to fall asleep I take 2-50mg Vistarel caps (kind of like Benedryl), and a 50mg Amitriptyline. Amitriptyline is an old antidepressant. It makes you sleepy, sometimes. (Or, if you're like me, you need the dose you'd give an elephant to help you sleep.) I did notice an improvement in my mood after starting the Amitriptyline. The dosage on my Prozac was just raised, so it may be a while before I feel any effects. Since I have no insurance, my psych nurse has to find inexpensive medications to treat me with. Also, they won't prescribe controlled substances such as Xanax, Klonipin or Ativan.
Oh how I've prayed to be "healed". I went to healing services. I've prayed. I've been anointed and prayed over. I've had hands laid on me in healing. Sometimes I've wondered if maybe my faith isn't strong enough to believe that God can heal me. Whatever it is, I wish it would go away.
I used to have a dog that would be able to sense when I'd get really low. She'd sniff me when I'd come home from work and just be able to tell. And it was at those times she never left my side. I'd literally step on her because she'd be right under my feet. I couldn't even go to the bathroom alone because she'd follow me! She was the best comfort I could've ever asked for. I wish I still had her.
I unfortunately passed this horrible disease on to 2 of my children. My son Brian spent probably 2 or 3 years of his life in his room. He dropped out of school and developed a social anxiety. But he used his time constructively. He went online and did his GED with no help from anyone. No formal studying. No classes. Just him and YouTube and whatever resources he could find. And he passed his exam with flying colors!! He is now 24 years old, engaged to a wonderful lady, is step-dad to 2 and has a newborn son. He's working on going into the Army National Guard. And he works his skinny little butt off to support his family. Oh, and if that isn't enough, once he got his life together, he worked on shedding all the weight he put on during those years. He is now 6'4" and 175lbs. (At one point he was over 300lbs!) I am so proud of him and all he's accomplished. My daughter, however, has not faired so well. After her dad passed last year, she went into a deep depression. She stopped going to school this past February. She tried going a day here and day there, but hasn't been able to make a real effort. She would sleep all day and stay up all night. It's only been since she's been with her new boyfriend and faithfully taking her meds that we've seen a change in her. Her boyfriend is in college to become a therapist like his parents. He works as a counselor with troubled kids. And he's working with my daughter little by little. His father also brought up the fact that she probably has PTSD because of the time spent with her father when he was dying. She gets horrible flash backs, break downs, and nightmares. She says she can't remember any of the good things. Try as we might, there was nothing we could do. She didn't "want" to be fixed. She wanted to be a hermit and wallow in her depression and grief. And sometimes we need to do that. Sometimes we need to withdraw from the world for a little while until we get passed all the bad things. And maybe God needed her to go through that to have a better appreciation for living life. I do know that she's slowing climbing out of that pit. Day by day. Little by little.
I feel like I am rambling. Nothing in any particular order. But this is something I wanted to put out there. I want people to know that just because you're a Christian doesn't mean you're happy go lucky all the time. Life isn't perfect. We are human. It is just that we are blessed with perfect love from a perfect Savior. One who once walked this earth as a human and experienced much of what we go through on a daily basis. And He gave His life on that cross so that we could have life. So that we could appreciate this gift of life that He has given us. Every once in a while I, too, will wallow in the pit of despair, of depression, and look at all the things in my life that I hate. But it takes those things to make me appreciate what I do have. I have a roof over my head, food to eat, a car to drive, a family that loves me, 2 beautiful grandsons, a husband that loves me and spoils me, and yesterday I learned that I was accepted into a
college degree program through a Christian university to become a
Christian counselor. For now it will be just online. When I finish my studies, I want to work with abused women. I want them to realize that there IS a way out. That there IS someone who cares. That God will see them through this and carry them on to a better life. By working through lifes' trauma's it will make you a stronger, wiser person. And to take life one day at a time. No more than that. Matthew 6:34 says "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."
It is because of Him that I made it through my day today. I made it through the day despite the anxiety. Despite the stress. Despite the problems. He held me up and helped me finish my day. He got us home safely. And now I'm sitting in the recliner with my dog right next to me. My husband is sitting on the sofa next to me watching a movie. My daughter is out with her boyfriend and one of her BFF's. All is quiet. Just the way I like it. It is through Him that I don't give up. It is through Him that I have hope. It is through Him that I have the ultimate therapist. He is the ultimate Physician. No one will better understand you than Jesus. How many nights have I cried myself to sleep praying to Him to make this all go away. To give me my life back. But I know that He has a grand plan for me. I am going through this valley for a reason.
Today's Christian Woman magazine had some
well-written articles on the topic of mental health this month. (I will
post the link to that and several other mental health sites at the end.)
And it probably better conveys what I am trying to say. But, as a
fellow blogger and Christian wife told me "write about what God puts on
your heart". So I am. It's also a cardinal rule among writers "write
what you know". And this I know. Intimately. Better than I'd like to.
At some point we may move down to where the college is. I long for a fresh start where no one knows me. As much as I hate change and I really hate moving, I feel that the Lord is pushing me in this direction. They say be careful what you wish for... well, be careful in what you pray for. God IS listening.
"For I, the Lord your God, hold your right hand; it is I who say to you, “Fear not, I am the one who helps you.” Isaiah 41:13 Blessings. Linda Here are those links I promised: Today's Christian Woman "Finding God in the Depths" by Kristina Cowan Today's Christian Woman "For Better and For..." by Cindy Baum Today's Christian Woman"Mental Illness is no Laughing Matter" by Amy Simpson Christianity Today/her.meneutics "Christians Can't Ignore the Uncomfortable Reality of Mental Illness" by Amy Simpson The Guardian "Talking About Mental Health 'So Much of this is Behind Closed Doors' " by Amanda Holpuch
Life is never easy. There are going to ups and downs, trials and tribulations. Benjamin Franklin summed it up in one short phrase "The only sure things we have in this life are death and taxes." However, Mr. Franklin, I beg to differ. The only sure things we have IN THIS WORLD may be death and taxes, but GOD promises us so much more. He assures us a place in heaven. He assures us that His love will never falter or change. He will always be the one constant in our lives. This He promises us!
Sometimes, though, life throws us a curve ball when we are least expecting it. It is through those times that our faith in God is tested. You start to wonder. Where is God in this whole mess? Why is He letting this happen? Let me tell you, friends, when you go through enough trials you really do start to wonder.
I began reading the Book of Job not long ago. I read it because I feel like I am Job. Trials upon trials are being heaped upon me. Sometimes I just want to sit and cry because I am so tired of the constant struggle. I am the only one working in our household. The housework is my sole responsibility. We also have my 18 year old daughter living with us. AND her survivor benefits will be running out soon (that's what helps us pay the rent). My husband doesn't seem too eager to find work even though he's been presented with multiple leads. He seems fine with me working and him staying home. I would be ok with that if I were making better money and if he took care of the housework. He does all the cooking and the grocery shopping as well as handling all the bills. So it's not like he doesn't do anything. But being the sole wage earner and knowing that once my daughters' benefits run out we won't have enough money to live on is stressful. Add to that I work for a physician who makes my life a living hell every day... And knowing that my husband really doesn't want to go to work... Ok, God. I get it. I'm being tested! But enough is enough already. I feel like I'm drowning.
My pastor decided he wanted to do a sermon series on Job. So we've been meeting up as time allows as a sort of therapy for me, to open me up to new ideas and an ability to learn. I began reading Job because in the season of my life I feel like Job. I've asked God over and over "Haven't I been through enough already Lord?" Apparently God feels as if I can handle all that I have been given. It has surely been a lesson in patience, in hope, and in faith. It is a humbling experience, to say the least.
Job kept asking God why He was doing this to him? Why was He continuing to persecute him? As far as he knew he hadn't done anything wrong. Wasn't it enough already that he lost all of his children, all of his livestock, and his health? Add to that his 3 friends who more or less kept telling him that he must have done SOMETHING wrong to deserve this punishment. If he would just repent then God would restore all that was taken. Throughout the whole story Job maintained his innocence. He stood his ground. If that were me, I would be like "Ok God, whatever it is I have done, I am sorry." Job could've done that. But he didn't.
Yup. So that's me. That's where I am at today. Enough is enough already Lord. I give up! You've had Your fun. Now I surrender.
And therein lies the key word....I SURRENDER. I acknowledge that I can neither fix this nor change it. God is the only one who can. I need to stop trying to do it my way and realize that my way isn't working. I found this interesting quote from a sermon that I found online "God will test you in order to purify you. God works
in our lives to refine us and to strengthen us. God does not test us to
BREAK us but to MAKE us; He refines not to DESTROY us but to DEVELOP us. Faith in Jesus does not cause difficulty to disappear. Your problems will not evaporate when you trust Jesus...God puts His people into the furnace of affliction to bring us to submission." There lies the answer. We have our faith tested for a reason. God wants us to remember to rely on Him. He makes us submit to His will. Remember the line in the Lord's Prayer "Thy WILL be done..." His will. Not ours. His. Sometimes, I wish it didn't have to be so hard. Everything always seems to be a struggle, and an uphill one at that. But those are the times that bring us to our knees. Those are the times when we need to look UP. As Christian wives, we seem to have an even greater burden. We are the backbone of our families. We are the glue that holds it all together. As the old saying goes "Behind every great man there is a woman." That's no lie. We are the constant support, the quiet force, the ones who help our husbands to shine. (although I doubt any man would admit to this!) It is said all throughout the bible that woman was made to help man. 'Then the Lord God said, “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him.”' (Genesis 2:18) I think I shall put this one on our refrigerator: "He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord." (Proverbs 18:22) I know that I am the one whose had to pick up the pieces of someone elses' mess. I'm the one who is slowly gluing them back into place. It is a tiring and tedious process. One I wish I didn't have to bear. But God put me here for a reason. I have to trust in that. I pray every night for the strength to keep going. I ask God to keep me on the path that He has set before me and to walk with me. I know at some point I will look back and think of how far I have come and what I have survived and I know I will be a better, stronger person because of it. One of these days things WILL get better. Life won't always be this hard. (Repeat over and over till it sinks in! lol) While I am struggling through this season of my life I will thank God for the strength to keep going. To be thankful for the many blessings He has given me. And to know that He is changing me so that I will become the woman He imagined me to be. Blessings and Love. Linda
"You call me out upon the waters,
The great unknown where feet may fail.
And there I find You in the mystery,
In oceans deep,
My faith will stand."
~~Oceans (Where Feet May Fail)
Hillsong United
There comes a time in everyone's life when we are afraid of something. I'm not talking about things like being afraid of spiders, or thunderstorms, or anything like that. I'm talking about fear that keeps you up at night, the fear that consumes your every thought. It is Satan whispering in your ear all the negatives. It is our weakest moments that Satan rejoices, for then he can come in a wreak havoc with our thoughts.
For most of us, that fear comes in the form of fear of the unknown. Fear of the future and all the things that COULD happen, or MIGHT happen. It's the little things that, over time, will roll into one big thing. We've all been there. Some of us, like myself, are there right now. And it's an awful place to be. It is a place of darkness. Of feeling hopeless. Feeling like God has abandoned you.
Some people will tell you that if you have that kind of fear, then you are not placing your trust in Jesus Christ. That you're not fully following Christ and trusting in Him. Or that perhaps you have done something to deserve this. We see this example in the book of Job. Job doesn't understand why all these bad things have happened to him. His friends are of no help, suggesting that Job must have done SOMETHING to deserve this.
"Yet if you devote your heart to him and stretch out your hands to him, if you put away the sin that is in your hand and allow no evil to dwell in your tent, then, free of fault, you will lift up your face; you will stand firm and without fear."
(Job 11:1-15)
I know that I have scratched my head at times and wondered what did I do to deserve this? Did I not confess all my sins to God and ask for forgiveness? Is there some aspect of my life that God sees as unfavorable? Maybe it's just me, that I'm not worthy of God's good grace and mercy. There's Satan, once again poking his nose in where it don't belong. Trying to convince me that I am unworthy of God's love.
I keep thinking of Peter when Jesus called out for him to step out of the boat and walk to Him. Here's this boat, in the middle of the ocean, in the middle of a storm and Jesus is asking Peter to get out of the boat. If that had been me, I would have been like "Are you crazy!?!?" That's where faith takes over. As long as Peter kept his eyes on Jesus, he was able to walk on the water to where Jesus was. But the moment Peter averted his eyes and looked down, he began to sink. Jesus, being the awesome soul that He is, plucked Peter out of the water.
That's what our faith does. It takes us to places that we fear, sticks us in the middle of a maelstrom where we wait patiently for Jesus to come save us. Jesus wants us to learn to rely solely on Him. When we are drowning don't we look up for help? We are raising our hand up yelling to God to save us.
Sometimes, though, we feel like we just can't hear God. We feel as though He's forgotten us. I began reading Job on my own because I feel so much like him. Here's this man who is minding his own business. He has a good life. When all of a sudden he loses it all. And there he stands.
"What I feared has come upon me; what I dreaded has happened to me. I have no peace, no quietness; I have no rest, but only turmoil.”
(Job 3:25-26)
What are we to do when our lives fall apart? How many times have we wondered why God would allow these bad things to happen? We may never find out why. It's at those times, however, that we truly need God. It is at those times that our faith is tested, just like Job. Like Job, our faith waivers. We go back and forth between blaming God and thanking God for His many blessings. When all is said and done, our faith steps in and keeps us from feeling afraid. We are reminded that, yes, God is listening and He hears all of our prayers.
"Then you will call on me and come and pray to me,
and I will listen to you."
Jeremiah 29:12
Remember, the times when you are most afraid, when the future seems out of control, THAT is when you need to leave God in control. Just as Jesus pulled Peter out of the water, He will pull you out of the water. You need to take a leap of faith and trust in God's perfect timing.
1 Corinthians 15:55-58O death,
where then your victory? Where then your sting? For sin—the sting that
causes death—will all be gone; and the law, which reveals our sins, will
no longer be our judge. How we thank God for all of this! It is He who makes us victorious through Jesus Christ our Lord! So,
my dear brothers, since future victory is sure, be strong and steady,
always abounding in the Lord’s work, for you know that nothing you do
for the Lord is ever wasted as it would be if there were no
resurrection.
S: 1 Corinthians 15:57-58 How we thank God for all of this! It is He who makes us victorious through Jesus Christ our Lord! So, my dear brothers,
since future victory is sure, be strong and steady, always abounding in
the Lord’s work, for you know that nothing you do for the Lord is ever
wasted as it would be if there were no resurrection.
O: I work for a very difficult person. She talks down to me, she thinks she is perfect and everything I do is wrong. This is quite disheartening to me because it just adds more stress to my life. My boss, a physician, is not a Christian. She serves a different god... money. To her it's all about the money. A frequent response to things is "And who's going to pay me for this?"
I remember recently a patient had called for a refill of her medication. Doctors' response was "Well that would imply I made a mistake and I don't make mistakes." Umm hmm... she doesn't make mistakes. I suppose in her world perfection exists. Personally, I don't know anyone who is perfect. God didn't design us to be perfect.
It often makes my job very difficult and stressful. There are days I really hate going to work. It makes life so much harder when your job is full of stress. And it's hard to remember that we work and toil for Jesus' glory. But Jesus puts us in difficult situations for a reason. And as my pastors' wife reminded me, when doctor become irritated and impossible to be around, I need to pray for her. I also need to pray for peace. I saw something recently that made me chuckle. It said "Lord grant me peace, because if you give me strength I'm going to need bail money!" Exactly. Peace. Inner peace that can only come from Jesus Christ Himself.
We are to do our work as if we were working for Jesus. His resurrection brought great joy to all! If there were no resurrection, we would have no hope. It would not assure us of anything. If Christ was killed and that was the end of things, how different things would be! Be joyous in all you do. Do it for the glory of our Lord!
A: I need to remind myself when my work day becomes more than I can handle, take a deep breath. Pray. And remember that my work should glorify Christ, not mankind.
P: Lord Jesus, help us to stay centered on You. Remind us that whatever we do, we should do it all for Your glory. When people become difficult remind us that we need to stop and focus on You and Your peace. We need to pray for those who annoy, irritate and harass us. We need to remember to treat others as we wish to be treated. In Your Holy Name I pray. Amen.
I am, as usual, a week behind. So here I am playing catch up again. Here is the reading for Monday, 4/14. Week 3 focuses on Why The Resurrection Matters.
Read:1 Corinthians 15:1-8, 14.
Now I would remind you, brothers, of the gospel I preached to you, which you received, in which you stand,and by which you are being saved, if you hold fast to the word I preached to you—unless you believed in vain. For I delivered to you as of first importance what I also received: that Christ died for our sins in accordance with the Scriptures,that he was buried, that he was raised on the third day in accordance with the Scriptures,and that he appeared to Cephas, then to the twelve.Then he appeared to more than five hundred brothers at one time, most of whom are still alive, though some have fallen asleep.Then he appeared to James, then to all the apostles.Last of all, as to one untimely born, he appeared also to me.....And if Christ has not been raised, then our preaching is in vain and your faith is in vain.
S: 1 Corinthians 15:3-4, 14 For I delivered to you as of first importance what I also received: that Christ died for our sins in accordance with the Scriptures,that he was buried, that he was raised on the third day in accordance with the Scriptures.... And if Christ has not been raised, then our preaching is in vain and your faith is in vain.
O: We find that the most important thing we take away from this is that Christ died for our sins!! And it happened just the way it said it would. It was foretold even back into the Old Testament!
BUT, had the events not happened and Christ didn't ascend into Heaven, then everything we have been told, everything we believe, we be for naught. It is by His death and glorious resurrection that we have HOPE!
A: I, for one, that Jesus gave His life for me. Without faith, without God, Jesus, the Holy Spirit, there would be no hope in life. Nothing we could put our full trust in. Imagine what an empty world it would be.
I can show my respect and love for Jesus by doing things as He would expect. I need to keep my words and actions to what Jesus would expect of me. To do things as if He were right next to me, watching my every move.
P: Dear Lord Jesus, I am so glad to know that You love me so much! Your death, Your blood wiped away my sins. You love those who are unlovable. You love those who are broken. You love us just the way we are, sins and all. Forgive me of my sins, of anything that may not be OF You. Help me to be more like You in my words and actions. In Your Holy Name I pray. Amen
However, for those of faith, particularly that of the Christian one, it is a time of joyous anticipation! The long journey of Joseph and Mary back to the village of Bethlehem as they await the birth of what will be our Savior. But, so many people seem to look past that. It's not about the gifts, the decorations, the parties.... it's about an anticipation of the future. My all time favorite story has always been Linus' soliloquy of the story of the "true" meaning of Christmas......
