Winter Thoughts

Good Eventide to you all! I hope you are all keeping warm. It is snowing and frightfully cold here. I have taken Sir dog out and am now settled in with a nice cuppa. The choice for today is a mix of Pumpkin Spice and Ginger...with a little splash of something to warm me bones. There is nothing quite like tea in a pretty cup, I say! I believe I will try and make this a habit. After all, it is 4:30pm... which translates into tea time. Unfortunately I do not have any scones or biscuits to have with my tea. Perhaps tomorrow. 

We are 10 days away from Christmas. For most it is a festive time. All the wonderful decorations, visits with friends and family, and much more. But then, there are others, who are alone this time of year. It can be a terrible time. For them, it is looking at what they don't have, be it family or even a warm place to live. For others, it means painful memories of a time long passed. And still others, who fight addictions and mental illness. This time of year can be a real trigger. Add to that the cold weather, the snow, days of shorter sunshine and much more gloom. Holiday time has one of the highest rates of suicide and violence. 

I am the afore mentioned.. one who suffers from depression. Holidays have never been a favorite of mine. In a previous life, it meant stress and arguments and loneliness. In this life it means going without...without money, without friends and without family. The mister and I will not be participating in Christmas this year. 

However, for those of faith, particularly that of the Christian one, it is a time of joyous anticipation! The long journey of Joseph and Mary back to the village of Bethlehem as they await the birth of what will be our Savior. But, so many people seem to look past that. It's not about the gifts, the decorations, the parties.... it's about an anticipation of the future. My all time favorite story has always been Linus' soliloquy of the story of the "true" meaning of Christmas......

As you go about your shopping, your celebrating, your decorating, keep in mind those who are without. Perhaps say a little prayer. Or make a special ornament for your tree. Donate or volunteer your time at a homeless shelter or soup kitchen. Throw your pennies in the kettle for the Salvation Army. Light a candle at church. Whatever it is you choose to do, remember how blessed you are for all the things you have. And remember the reason WHY we celebrate Christmas.....

Some links for donation sites:

**for some reason they don't show up as active. However, if you copy and paste, you will be taken right to the site.

http://www.salvationarmyusa.org/usn/christmas-assistance

http://soldiersangels.org

http://toysfortots.org/default.aspx

http://www.coats-for-kids.org

Not My Usual

I guess you can guess by the picture that this is going to be a different kind of post. Well I'm going to warn you right now, dear reader, that this is not one of my encouraging, pray to God kind of post. Nope. Not this time. I don't pretend to be some perfect kind of Christian wife. I don't just sit here with a smile on my face saying "Give it to God". I am me. I am subject to random mood changes, I get bitchy and irritable. I suffer from depression and anxiety, which often influences my perception of my life. And at this point, it's about my only outlook on life at the moment.
So, ready or not, here it goes.....

I’m about to explode. I need to find a therapist before I loose what is left of my mind or I do or say something I’m gonna regret. So here’s the long and short of it. Don’t answer the door because Rent-A-Center wants to come take the sofa. Don’t answer the door because the utility company wants to shut us off. We don’t have the money for this months’ rent. Car ins is due on the 14^th or else the policy cancels. $134/mo is supposedly the lowest plan hubby could get for cable/internet. He owes everyone he’s borrowed money from to get us through the week. BUT, on the bright side, the van is fixed so he won’t have to take the bus to work! (He’s too good for that.) So if we don’t have a place to live we don’t need the sofa or the cable. We just can’t drive the van passed the 14^th, but hey, he can probably park it at work and we’ll live there.

Hubby and daughter are like oil and water. For the most part he's ok with her, but there's always some kind of complaint and it lands on my daughter. He’s always saying she doesn’t pay rent. Why should she? She wasn’t here a whole lot. Plus she pays for all her stuff. Now she is here more because her boyfriend broke up with her. But she works sometimes 10 days straight before she gets a day off. And a lot of times she’ll go out with her friends at night. The only irritating thing is she has money to buy clothes, make up, get her nails done, get her hair colored. I can’t even buy a friggen bra that’s not from the dollar store. Granted, she takes 3 buses each way to work without complaint. She’ll give hubby $10 for gas to pick her up from work on a Sunday (it was $10/trip).

I've always busted my ass working. I never complained when hubby didn’t work. I just did the best I could do. To hell with my mental health. To hell with the fact that I would have an anxiety meltdown at least once a week. It didn't matter that my boss was a bitch who lived to make my life a living hell. We needed the money. Too bad I had to take 2 buses to work every morning. Suck it up and do what you have to. When we lived in our first apartment a few towns from here, I was taking 2 buses each way to work. I would have to walk a mile or so from the bus stop to our apartment, at least until they changed the bus routes and I could catch the bus in front of our apartment. I never have money just for me. My wallet wouldn’t know what money is.

Hubby was out yesterday all day trying to finish working on the van (he hit an animal last weekend that seriously messed up the cooling system in the van.) So, he comes home and rather than hi I missed you. Or oh it’s good to be home or whatever the hell… I get “Oh you really DIDN’T do anything today, did you?” How many times have I had to tip toe around him in the morning because he can be a real bastard in the mornings. How many times have I just sat quietly so I wouldn’t bug him? How many Fridays have I sat here waiting for dinner because he had to have a “few beers”, because after all he worked his ass off all week standing on his feet in a hot warehouse so he deserves it. Fortunately, he doesn’t really get drunk. He’s been drinking for so long that beer doesn’t really get to him (except when he gets passed 8 or 9, then he gets mouthy and usually directs it at me). We don’t eat dinner till 7 or later most nights so he can “relax and a have a few beers” before making dinner. (This has only started since he went back to work. He hasn’t done this in a very long time.)

Our one luxury is ordering out on Friday nights (because by then there’s no food in the house and he doesn’t want to have to cook). We'll sit here together on a Friday night and drink. He'll go through a 6-pack while I indulge in alcohol. I don't always drink. But sometimes I will. And by the time he orders the food when I do drink, I'll be just too damn drunk to eat. By the time the food gets here, I’m already passed out in bed. Oh, and you know what he got me for my birthday? Booze. 1 small bottle of Raspberry Vodka, 2 shot bottles of raspberry vodka and a shot bottle of Fireball (a hot cinnamon whiskey).

I am covered head to toe with bites, blisters, scabs and scars because we somehow got bedbugs, I don’t even like leaving the house because I look like some leper. My hands and arms are the worst. But since they’ve run out of real estate there, they’ve decided that my back and my legs are just as tasty. I must have over 100 bites/scabs all over. We can’t afford an exterminator. He wants to wait till my tax money comes in Feb. But I don’t think I’m going to get a whole lot because I can’t claim my daughter anymore on my taxes (when I did for 2015 she wound up owing on her taxes because I claimed her as a dependent). Which then means I can’t claim head of household. I have to claim as single. And so far, I’ve only worked 6 months out of this year (and oh yeah, my former boss already sent me my 2016 W-2).

You’d think that by now I’d have become much smarter, stronger and independent. Most of life’s trials show us that we can survive and even grow from it all. But, then you get to a point where there is no end to the struggle. It breaks you down and leaves you hopeless. And that's where I am at this point. My anxiety was so bad when I was working, so at least that has gotten somewhat better with being home. But I have to deal with the damn depression in exchange. My unemployment has gotten hung up, so I've been out of work since May 27 and have yet to receive a single unemployment payment, which hopefully will be the week.

I won't stop praying. There's precious little I have left to hold on to. My faith is the only thing holding me up. I know, at some point, God will answer. I just have to hold on and wait. It's all in His time, not ours. 

Thank you for taking the time to listen to this rant and hopefully understand that life CAN bring you down. I know sometimes it's all in your outlook. We all have our own coping mechanisms. Learn, grow, keep your faith. And hold on.....

Be Blessed.

Are We Forsaken?

This will be brief because I'm on my lunch at work. As I was reading my book, this whole thought jumped out at me. It has been a recurrent theme of my blog posts. And maybe there is a reason for that. It reminds me of how I am having such a bad day, but consider Jesus' worst day...the day He died on the Cross. Talk about really bad days! 

It's funny, because my devotional this morning was on this same topic. And the words I wrote to go with it is somewhat similar to what I am writing here: "We have all had times when we have felt alone despite all busyness in our lives and the people in our lives. It's often hard to remember that Jesus is always with us. I'm just as guilty as the rest of us for not remembering this. We need to find ways to remember this in the times of our darkness. We can lift each other up in times of despair & loneliness." (I will post the link to the devotional at the end of this post.)

As Jesus slowly died on the Cross, He cried out to God, His Father "My God, My God, why have You forsaken Me". Wow... Jesus, the perfect image of peace and love. The One who says that He will be with us always. And here He is wondering where God is in all this. Jesus KNEW He would die on the cross. He knew who would betray Him. He knew the reason for His crucifixion and death, so that we may have new life. And yet, knowing all this, at the last hour He wondered why He had to go through this. Why doesn't His father hear Him? Can you just imagine how alone He must have felt at that moment? 

It is the same thing in our own lives. Where is God when we need Him? Why doesn't He answer our prayers? Why is there so much pain and suffering in this world? Isn't that the reason WHY Jesus died for us? It's so hard to not feel alone in the middle of our anguish. When we're in the midst of chaos, it's hard to remember that Jesus is right there with us.God uses us in a myriad of ways. I also believe that God uses women to raise others up and encourage them so that they can then past that encouragement on to others. Women are born nurturers. So who better to inspire and encourage others than a woman? 

That's why us women need to stick together. For support and encouragement. For someone to remind us that indeed Jesus is watching out for us. He's helping us by making us reliant on Him. When we are broken down is the time when we need to really reach out to God to get us through. I think it is a reminder that God has not forsaken us. 

God Bless.
Linda

Here is the link to my devotional this morning: http://odb.org/2015/06/04/my-father-is-with-me/

The Demon that is Mental Illness

"Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10

Tonight I write to you about something that I deal with every day. Mental Illness. I have bipolar disorder with anxiety and depression. I was diagnosed after the first time I was hospitalized for wanting to kill myself back in 2006. When I talked to the psychiatrist and told him what my plan was, he said that had I went through with it, I surely would have died. Since then it's been up and down like a roller coaster. I've felt like a guinea pig with all the medications I've tried.

Although the picture above may look funny, most of those feelings are what I deal with. Today was one of "those" days. I was fighting the anxiety battle all day. My mind was running, I was nauseous, I was sweating, and all I wanted to do was go home and hide under the covers where I'd be safe. But I got up, got dressed, and went to work. I still felt that way most of the day. M vcby irritable, grouchy and mean-spirited boss didn't help matters any. I prayed, A LOT. I tried to focus on my work. I was productive and was able to clear my desk. 

Now I am home. I have eaten dinner. Played some Mah-Jong. I'm listening to some calming music. And still trying to focus. I am forcing myself to focus on just one thing at a time. 

The kind of bipolar disorder I have I don't get the manic highs. I feel "normal". I feel like I can accomplish anything. I have more energy. I have a positive outlook. I feel "alive". But those moods are rare. I haven't had an "up mood" in years. The depression has a strangle hold on me. It has stolen so much of my life. Life that I can't get back. And I know I'm missing out on life. I don't know how to "fix" it. Medications can only do so much. The rest is up to me and God. 

People think that since you are a Christian you are happy all the time. After all, we let God handle our problems every day. We're in very capable hands! But we are human. Yes, I believe in God. If it weren't for my faith I'd have no hope left in my life. I try to pray through the anxiety. I try not to lose hope when the depression drags me so far down that I can't see the light of day. And I will admit, for a short time today I wished I weren't alive. That's how my brain responds to overwhelming anxiety. My fight-or-flight reflex is death. The only one sure way out. But I know that I would do more harm than good. My daughter lost her father and grandfather in the space of a year. My husband would be broken hearted without me. My mom would probably have another nervous breakdown. But, to my brain, the instinct to escape is through death. The ultimate avoidance of problems and stress that will not go away.

Mental health is such a misunderstood disease. Yes, it's a disease. It's not something we wish to have. No, we can't just "snap out of it" (ohhh how I HATE hearing that!!) and if we just ___________ we wouldn't feel so bad. (HUGE sigh and eye roll here.) I'm not weak-willed. I'm not "nuts", "crazy" or "mental" (Ohh yet another term I DESPISE!) I have a disease that is probably inherited (I'm adopted so my whole health history is one great big surprise after another). I have learned through trial and error that it's not a real good idea for me to not be on meds. It get suicidal. My husband found that out the hard way. But bless his soul, after three years of a roller coaster ride, we are still together. And he understands me a whole lot better now than he did then. 

When I look back through the years, I see that my anxiety took root at a very early age. I was always a "nervous" child. As a teenager I was a little less "nervous". But I remember every morning getting up for school and having my stomach in knots. I knew whenever I had to do something out of my comfort zone it would make me nervous. When my mother remarried I was 11. She moved to upstate NY with her new husband and left me with my grandparents in Connecticut. I remember that at one point, the whole tug of war thing really took a toll on my psyche. I remember our neighbor telling my grandparents that I'd wind up having a nervous breakdown if that all kept up. I didn't want to leave my grandparents. I loved where I was. I had my best friend. The beach was just down the street. And I was getting old enough where I could walk into town on my own. I liked my school. I didn't want to move. I didn't even know the guy. But, I also remember overhearing my grandparents saying how they already raised one kid, they didn't need another. That I was just a burden. Don't get me wrong, my grandparents loved me. It's just that they were getting on in years and didn't need to raise another child.  

My last stint in an intensive outpatient program was only beneficial to me while I was there. I didn't have the emotional support at home to help me gain control. My first husband was psychologically abusive and emotionally distant. He had no interest in hearing about what I was learning and I really didn't have trust in him to confide things. The first time I was hospitalized, part of my therapy sessions was to have family there. The one time they tried to include my husband, they had to make him leave because it was just upsetting me. And it turns out he never told our kids where I was. He told them mommy left. I was never able to convince them where I had been even though I had the discharge papers, all the paperwork, etc. So it kind of made sense when I went through the second round why I didn't want to confide in him.

This last go-around when I started at the mental health clinic, the month before I had tried to take a handful of pills (sinus pills, but the ones that make you sleepy) but my husband stopped me. So, when they did my intake they had suggested that perhaps I should be an inpatient until I could become stable again. But I had just started a new job and my husband was out of work. We needed the money. And I didn't have insurance. I didn't need to rack up more bills. So, at my first therapy session, my therapist made me sign a "safety agreement". (It is an outline of things you can do if you feel suicidal. You make a list of people you trust whom you can talk to. You think about things that make you feel good and you enjoy doing. The number for Crisis in put on there as well as contact information for the therapist. It is quite a detailed plan.) I hung that on my fridge when I got home so that I would see it every day. I think it was at that point my husband really understood what I was dealing with. I wasn't just some crazy b***h. I had a real problem that had to be managed.  

My husband comes with me to some of my psych appointments. Sometimes he sees things going on with me that either I haven't paid attention to or have just not wanted to say anything. He dispenses and manages all my meds, so sometimes he will come with me to see my psych nurse practitioner. I may not really know if a medication is working, but he can see the difference in me when a medication is working and when it isn't. 

Right now I take 40mg of Prozac in the morning. Since my mind races at night and it's hard for me to fall asleep I take 2-50mg Vistarel caps (kind of like Benedryl), and a 50mg Amitriptyline. Amitriptyline is an old antidepressant. It makes you sleepy, sometimes. (Or, if you're like me, you need the dose you'd give an elephant to help you sleep.) I did notice an improvement in my mood after starting the Amitriptyline. The dosage on my Prozac was just raised, so it may be a while before I feel any effects. Since I have no insurance, my psych nurse has to find inexpensive medications to treat me with. Also, they won't prescribe controlled substances such as Xanax, Klonipin or Ativan. 

Oh how I've prayed to be "healed". I went to healing services. I've prayed. I've been anointed and prayed over. I've had hands laid on me in healing. Sometimes I've wondered if maybe my faith isn't strong enough to believe that God can heal me. Whatever it is, I wish it would go away. 

I used to have a dog that would be able to sense when I'd get really low. She'd sniff me when I'd come home from work and just be able to tell. And it was at those times she never left my side. I'd literally step on her because she'd be right under my feet. I couldn't even go to the bathroom alone because she'd follow me! She was the best comfort I could've ever asked for. I wish I still had her. 

I unfortunately passed this horrible disease on to 2 of my children. My son Brian spent probably 2 or 3 years of his life in his room. He dropped out of school and developed a social anxiety. But he used his time constructively. He went online and did his GED with no help from anyone. No formal studying. No classes. Just him and YouTube and whatever resources he could find. And he passed his exam with flying colors!! He is now 24 years old, engaged to a wonderful lady, is step-dad to 2 and has a newborn son. He's working on going into the Army National Guard. And he works his skinny little butt off to support his family. Oh, and if that isn't enough, once he got his life together, he worked on shedding all the weight he put on during those years. He is now 6'4" and 175lbs. (At one point he was over 300lbs!) I am so proud of him and all he's accomplished.

My daughter, however, has not faired so well. After her dad passed last year, she went into a deep depression. She stopped going to school this past February. She tried going a day here and day there, but hasn't been able to make a real effort. She would sleep all day and stay up all night. It's only been since she's been with her new boyfriend and faithfully taking her meds that we've seen a change in her. Her boyfriend is in college to become a therapist like his parents. He works as a counselor with troubled kids. And he's working with my daughter little by little. His father also brought up the fact that she probably has PTSD because of the time spent with her father when he was dying. She gets horrible flash backs, break downs, and nightmares. She says she can't remember any of the good things. Try as we might, there was nothing we could do. She didn't "want" to be fixed. She wanted to be a hermit and wallow in her depression and grief. And sometimes we need to do that. Sometimes we need to withdraw from the world for a little while until we get passed all the bad things. And maybe God needed her to go through that to have a better appreciation for living life. I do know that she's slowing climbing out of that pit. Day by day. Little by little.

I feel like I am rambling. Nothing in any particular order. But this is something I wanted to put out there. I want people to know that just because you're a Christian doesn't mean you're happy go lucky all the time. Life isn't perfect. We are human. It is just that we are blessed with perfect love from a perfect Savior. One who once walked this earth as a human and experienced much of what we go through on a daily basis. And He gave His life on that cross so that we could have life. So that we could appreciate this gift of life that He has given us.

Every once in a while I, too, will wallow in the pit of despair, of depression, and look at all the things in my life that I hate. But it takes those things to make me appreciate what I do have. I have a roof over my head, food to eat, a car to drive, a family that loves me, 2 beautiful grandsons, a husband that loves me and spoils me, and yesterday I learned that I was accepted into a college degree program through a Christian university to become a Christian counselor. For now it will be just online. When I finish my studies, I want to work with abused women. I want them to realize that there IS a way out. That there IS someone who cares. That God will see them through this and carry them on to a better life. By working through lifes' trauma's it will make you a stronger, wiser person. And to take life one day at a time. No more than that. Matthew 6:34 says "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."

It is because of Him that I made it through my day today. I made it through the day despite the anxiety. Despite the stress. Despite the problems. He held me up and helped me finish my day. He got us home safely. And now I'm sitting in the recliner with my dog right next to me. My husband is sitting on the sofa next to me watching a movie. My daughter is out with her boyfriend and one of her BFF's. All is quiet. Just the way I like it.
 
It is through Him that I don't give up. It is through Him that I have hope. It is through Him that I have the ultimate therapist. He is the ultimate Physician. No one will better understand you than Jesus. How many nights have I cried myself to sleep praying to Him to make this all go away. To give me my life back. But I know that He has a grand plan for me. I am going through this valley for a reason. 

Today's Christian Woman magazine had some well-written articles on the topic of mental health this month. (I will post the link to that and several other mental health sites at the end.) And it probably better conveys what I am trying to say. But, as a fellow blogger and Christian wife told me "write about what God puts on your heart". So I am. It's also a cardinal rule among writers "write what you know". And this I know. Intimately. Better than I'd like to.

At some point we may move down to where the college is. I long for a fresh start where no one knows me. As much as I hate change and I really hate moving, I feel that the Lord is pushing me in this direction. They say be careful what you wish for... well, be careful in what you pray for. God IS listening.

"For I, the Lord your God, hold your right hand; it is I who say to you, “Fear not, I am the one who helps you.”  Isaiah 41:13

Blessings.
Linda

Here are those links I promised:
Today's Christian Woman "Finding God in the Depths" by Kristina Cowan 
Today's Christian Woman  "For Better and For..." by Cindy Baum
Today's Christian Woman  "Mental Illness is no Laughing Matter" by Amy Simpson
Christianity Today/her.meneutics "Christians Can't Ignore the Uncomfortable Reality of Mental Illness" by Amy Simpson
The Guardian "Talking About Mental Health 'So Much of this is Behind Closed Doors' " 
by Amanda Holpuch

If you or someone you love suffers from mental illness, there is hope and help. You are not alone in this.
National Suicide Hotline
National Alliance on Mental Illness 
FaithNet NAMI 
Crisis Service/Crisis Call Center

Trial By Fire

Life is never easy. There are going to ups and downs, trials and tribulations. Benjamin Franklin summed it up in one short phrase "The only sure things we have in this life are death and taxes." However, Mr. Franklin, I beg to differ. The only sure things we have IN THIS WORLD may be death and taxes, but GOD promises us so much more. He assures us a place in heaven. He assures us that His love will never falter or change. He will always be the one constant in our lives. This He promises us!

Sometimes, though, life throws us a curve ball when we are least expecting it. It is through those times that our faith in God is tested. You start to wonder. Where is God in this whole mess? Why is He letting this happen? Let me tell you, friends, when you go through enough trials you really do start to wonder.

I began reading the Book of Job not long ago. I read it because I feel like I am Job. Trials upon trials are being heaped upon me. Sometimes I just want to sit and cry because I am so tired of the constant struggle. I am the only one working in our household. The housework is my sole responsibility. We also have my 18 year old daughter living with us. AND her survivor benefits will be running out soon (that's what helps us pay the rent). My husband doesn't seem too eager to find work even though he's been presented with multiple leads. He seems fine with me working and him staying home. I would be ok with that if I were making better money and if he took care of the housework. He does all the cooking and the grocery shopping as well as handling all the bills. So it's not like he doesn't do anything. But being the sole wage earner and knowing that once my daughters' benefits run out we won't have enough money to live on is stressful. Add to that I work for a physician who makes my life a living hell every day... And knowing that my husband really doesn't want to go to work... Ok, God. I get it. I'm being tested! But enough is enough already. I feel like I'm drowning.

My pastor decided he wanted to do a sermon series on Job. So we've been meeting up as time allows as a sort of therapy for me, to open me up to new ideas and an ability to learn. I began reading Job because in the season of my life I feel like Job. I've asked God over and over "Haven't I been through enough already Lord?" Apparently God feels as if I can handle all that I have been given. It has surely been a lesson in patience, in hope, and in faith. It is a humbling experience, to say the least.

Job kept asking God why He was doing this to him? Why was He continuing to persecute him? As far as he knew he hadn't done anything wrong. Wasn't it enough already that he lost all of his children, all of his livestock, and his health? Add to that his 3 friends who more or less kept telling him that he must have done SOMETHING wrong to deserve this punishment. If he would just repent then God would restore all that was taken. Throughout the whole story Job maintained his innocence. He stood his ground. If that were me, I would be like "Ok God, whatever it is I have done, I am sorry." Job could've done that. But he didn't.

Yup. So that's me. That's where I am at today. Enough is enough already Lord. I give up! You've had Your fun. Now I surrender.

And therein lies the key word....I SURRENDER. I acknowledge that I can neither fix this nor change it. God is the only one who can. I need to stop trying to do it my way and realize that my way isn't working. I found this interesting quote from a sermon that I found online "God will test you in order to purify you. God works in our lives to refine us and to strengthen us. God does not test us to BREAK us but to MAKE us; He refines not to DESTROY us but to DEVELOP us. Faith in Jesus does not cause difficulty to disappear. Your problems will not evaporate when you trust Jesus...God puts His people into the furnace of affliction to bring us to submission." There lies the answer. We have our faith tested for a reason. God wants us to remember to rely on Him. He makes us submit to His will. Remember the line in the Lord's Prayer "Thy WILL be done..." His will. Not ours. His. 

Sometimes, I wish it didn't have to be so hard. Everything always seems to be a struggle, and an uphill one at that. But those are the times that bring us to our knees. Those are the times when we need to look UP. 

As Christian wives, we seem to have an even greater burden. We are the backbone of our families. We are the glue that holds it all together. As the old saying goes "Behind every great man there is a woman." That's no lie. We are the constant support, the quiet force, the ones who help our husbands to shine. (although I doubt any man would admit to this!) It is said all throughout the bible that woman was made to help man. 'Then the Lord God said, “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him.”' (Genesis 2:18) I think I shall put this one on our refrigerator: "He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord." (Proverbs 18:22) 

I know that I am the one whose had to pick up the pieces of someone elses' mess. I'm the one who is slowly gluing them back into place. It is a tiring and tedious process. One I wish I didn't have to bear. But God put me here for a reason. I have to trust in that. I pray every night for the strength to keep going. I ask God to keep me on the path that He has set before me and to walk with me. I know at some point I will look back and think of how far I have come and what I have survived and I know I will be a better, stronger person because of it. 

One of these days things WILL get better. Life won't always be this hard. (Repeat over and over till it sinks in! lol) While I am struggling through this season of my life I will thank God for the strength to keep going. To be thankful for the many blessings He has given me. And to know that He is changing me so that I will become the woman He imagined me to be. 

Blessings and Love.
Linda

Good Morning Girls Ephesians 5:15-21 "Plan Be"

Week 1, Thursday 1/23/14
Read: Ephesians 5:15-21
SOAP: Ephesians 5:15-16 

Ephesians 5:15-21
Look carefully then how you walk, not as unwise but as wise, making the best use of the time, because the days are evil. Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the will of the Lord is. And do not get drunk with wine, for that is debauchery, but be filled with the Spirit, addressing one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody to the Lord with your heart,  giving thanks always and for everything to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ,  submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ.

S: Ephesians 5:15-16  Look carefully then how you walk, not as unwise but as wise, making the best use of the time, because the days are evil.



O: Have you ever heard the saying "Idle hands are the devils playthings"? Or "Idle time is the devils playground"? These are old sayings meaning that if you don't have things to do to fill your time you could get yourself into trouble. I'm sure many of us are guilty of that at one time or another. How many times have you said "It seemed like a good idea at the time!"? You have to be careful how you spend your free time. Are you doing good or are you just looking for trouble? Is what you're doing acceptable in the eyes of God? 

Our church is finding ways to keep us busy this winter. We just had a game day where everyone brought their favorite game and snacks. Soon they will be doing Zumba. Then we'll have another game day. We may even have a movie day. These are all wonderful pursuits. They give us a chance for fellowship and enjoyment without falling into the devils trap of boredom and "well, it seemed like a good idea at the time". 

Even if you don't have church activities to pursue, find other ways to spend your time meaningfully. Volunteer somewhere. Spend more time in the Word. Have a family day. Disconnect from the outside world for a while. Mentor a child. There are so many ways to spend free time without getting into trouble, so to speak. 

The idle times in winter are also a breeding ground for Satan. January is known for its' high rate of suicide. It's because the holidays are over. It's cold. There's not much sun. It snows. The skies seem perpetually gray. (Well, it is if you live in the northern tier of the United States like I do.) Spring seems so far away. Winter and the cold seem interminable. We just had 10" of snow and now we're looking at a few more "minor" accumulations over the coming week. It has also gotten bitterly cold. It's hard to focus your mind on the positive during these times. But you HAVE to or else Satan will sneak right in without you even realizing it. 

A: I need to find more constructive ways to spend my time. Catching up on my bible studies and blog seems to have filled that "spare" time.  If it weren't so cold out I'd probably even try to venture outside with my dog and my camera. I'm glad I have my church because it gives me something to do. Wednesday nights we have a small group bible study (and when I say small group, I mean SMALL GROUP!! There's maybe 6 of us!) Sunday after services we have snack time. We all gather downstairs to chat and eat. (Seems like everything we do in our church involves food! lol)

I need to chase Satan away as he invades my thoughts with negativity. I am Bipolar with depression/anxiety/Seasonal Affective Disorder. So winters are especially hard for me. And trust me, Satan has been hard at work on my brain. I need to fight him off as hard as I can! Any endeavor into something positive keeps old Mr. Satan away. :)

P: Lord, I pray to You as this winter drags on to help me resist Satan's attack. I need to hear Your voice above all that Satan is whispering in my ear. Give me the strength to not give up and give in to this depression. I pray that others who are afflicted with any form of mental illness find peace and strength within Your loving arms. Keep us safe and out of harms way until we can once again see the sun rise on warmer days. Amen.